It's been 5 years...and I still miss him so much...

***just a head's up - this isn't my typical post...and you may not want to read it - but I just needed to put it down in words today...maybe in an attempt to work through some stuff...don't really know - but wanted to give you fair warning before you start reading - expecting something other than what it is.

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February 22nd fell on a Saturday that year.

Mike was going to drive in from Lansing to pick me up after the pastors' huddle earlier that morning. Just 6 days earlier, he had driven round-trip into Cleveland after a weekend couples' retreat - so I could be with my family.

My Dad had been hospitalized again.

For the previous 2 years, every time we'd hug goodbye after one of my visits, I would take one last look back at the porch - or in the doorway of my parents' home - and see them standing there - watching & waving as I pulled away...I would wonder again "will this be the last time I see my Dad alive?" It was a morbid thought, I know - and I would sob for the majority of my drive back to Michigan...but I just knew - one of our goodbyes would be our last.

He had been getting progressively worse...and just a few weeks earlier, after our visit at Christmas - I had a feeling - this was it. It would be his last Christmas with us.

He had sent me an e-mail a couple weeks after Christmas with the pics that i had snapped with his fancy digital camera ((he was so proud of that purchase...he had done so much research on it before buying it...and it was nice. My lil brother has since "inherited" it after he bought my mom a newer, more compact one)). It's funny, the things that stick in our memories after someone is gone.

Dad had joked in the e-mail that I was a horrible photographer - I made him look so old in all the pics. We both knew what he was saying...but I laughed nonetheless. He did look old...but not age-old - more of a worn out old. I think he was tired. Tired of the battle with emphysema - tired of having to take a few breaths and pause just to finish a sentence. Tired of not being able to go outside - if it was too cold, too windy, too hot...any extreme weather kept him hidden indoors. I think he felt like he didn't have much left to contribute...and even typing that, eyes flooding with tears - I wish I could tell him how wrong he would have been. It's weird...I think we so often get caught up thinking we have to DO for others to make them love us & care about us - when, I think more than anything - we just need to BE. Ya know what i mean?

My Dad's mom passed away when I was 18...and I can't say I have a ton of memories of her...though, I do have a few that are close to my heart. There was one thing I remember thinking when she passed...I liked the way Grandma made you feel like you were the most important person in her life when you were with her. She was really WITH you when she was with you, ya know? You didn't get the impression she wanted to be with someone else or be some where else doing something else. At least, that's what I remember about her. Maybe my memories are discombobulated...maybe it's a grandma image in my mind - and not really the reality of the person she was...but that's what I think of most when I think of Grandma.

Maybe the same is true of my dad...maybe my image of him is distorted...maybe he wasn't the person I thought he was...but, then again, who he was to me was mine...it is personal - intimate.

Dad had been released from the hospital mid-week. There are a few things I recall vividly - and the rest seems more like a shadow of 5 years of memories.

I remember buying a teddy bear (I used to collect them) - but this was a snuggly one...I wanted something to cling to in my sleep that week. Later, after we had been going through Dad's clothing & stuff - Mom gave me the hat she had ordered for him from Ireland...and for a few years, it sat on the head of that bear - on a shelf in our living room on Henry Street. We've lived in our new house for a year & a half now - and I still can't find the container that bear is in. :(


I also remember shopping for rinse-free shampoo. Moving around was difficult for Dad. But he was extremely conscientious about his appearance - and had been asking me repeatedly to cut his hair until I agreed...but boy was I afraid I'd mess it up!! He couldn't make the trip to the barber - but was desperate for a haircut. Mike asks me to cut his hair all the time too - and i don't mind DOING it - I'm just always afraid I'm going to hack it bad! But - I cut Dad's that night...and a few days later, my friend Kevin chewed me out for not calling him to come over & cut it as he's been a hair stylist for years! I don't know why it never crossed my mind to call him. Guess I didn't want to "burden" him - asking for a house-call to cut hair. I know it's stupid now...and to go back & do it over, I wouldn't have hesitated to call him. Lord knows Kev would have done a MUCH better job...and quicker to boot! Poor Dad got exhausted just sitting for so long...I was so afraid of every snip & cut I made, I took FOREVER to finish the job!. Poor Dad.

I remember getting a call from Patrick - he had a flat tire - it was really really late at night & very snowy...and the guy he had with him was blind - so he wasn't going to be able to help much with changing it. I drove out to meet him in the parking lot he had made it to...and I remember Dad telling me how much he appreciated us looking out for each other. I also remember watching cop after cop drive RIGHT by us - a stranded vehicle at 1am - and NOT stopping to ask if we could use any help. I think Pat & I joked about that for a while after. Nice.

I remember the movie Mom had rented that she put in for us to watch together Friday night..."The Full Monty". So many times, over the years, I've thought - wow - THAT was the last movie I saw with my father! HA! Nice. It was funny - don't get me wrong...just not exactly the kind of movie I would normally watch with Dad.

I remember waking up earlier than usual that Saturday morning...without an alarm going off...I just woke up.

Mom and I chatted a bit - probably about life in general - maybe about what time I thought Mike would make it in...and then Mom went to the bedroom to check on Dad. She called out to me - and I walked to their room. Dad was sitting on the edge of the bed - he wanted to get up - but he looked especially bad. I don't know how to describe it - I don't know that I want to - nor that you'd want to read it. I just remember thinking...something is just not right. His oxygen tube had slipped off during the night - so I'm not sure how long he had been without it full strength. He wanted to get up & I tried to convince him to stay in bed. I kinda remember Mom talking about calling the nurse...but Dad really wanted help getting up. Instead of getting him more upset - I remember leaning over & bracing myself while wrapping my arms around him to lift him out of bed. I almost flew backwards as I lifted...I had no idea he would be so light! It honestly startled me...and broke my heart. I can't explain why - it was just one more thing that reminded me my Dad was fading. He was a shell of the man I had known all my life - and it tore a hole right through me to see him this way.

Had i only known that would be the last "hug" I'd ever give my Dad - I would have held on soooo much longer. I may have never let go.

It's been 5 years today. There is only one Hope I cling to through it all. The memories, the pain & sorrow, the heartache & longing to see my Dad's face again...and in the midst, the hope I cling to is like a salve...found in 1 Thessalonians chapter 4:

The Comfort of Christ's Coming
13 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who [fn2] sleep in Jesus.
15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.

I miss my Dad...so much...but I cling to the hope of seeing him again when I too am home with my Lord.

In Fond & Loving Memory of Dad