Elijah belongs to the Lord

I hope it's not just words I type here or say out of fear or a feeling that others expect me to say it. I pray it is truly where my heart is. Back to that in a second...

I went out this evening - to the mall. One of Elijah's Christmas gifts from Grandma was a gift card from Baby Gap. We've been to the mall a few times since Christmas - but honestly, I've been SO tremendously blessed by boxes & boxes of clothing (thank you again Reggie...or should I say Gina?!?!) ;) And of course, so many friends have blessed us with gifts over the last few months...many cute outfits for our baby boy...so - clothing isn't something he really NEEDS right now. But it doesn't stop me from looking. ;)

Anywho - because Elijah has to wear the special shoes and bar - it's narrowed the clothing options...so - I've been giving away certain items that I knew others could use - that Eli can't. I love the sleepers with the attached footies...but, realistically - it's not an option while he wears the bar...so - that has been one of the first items to get cleared out. However, since Elijah only has to wear the bar at NIGHT now - and because he's learned recently how to wiggle his cute little tootsies out of his socks when the bar & shoes come off in the morning...I realized that those little footed sleepers would be GREAT on lazy-stay-at-home kinda days!!! :) So - I used that as an excuse to finally USE his Baby Gap gift card! :)

On a side note - I not only found him a cute footed sleeper - but they have these adorable little thermal pants with footies too!!! So - I got him a brown pair and a blue pair. :) THANKS GRANDMA!!! :) :)

Anywho - On the way out of the mall, I got sidetracked by two other stores that had GREAT deals on footed sleepers...so I bought a couple more w/ more gift cash. :) :) Another big thanks to Oma (hope I spelled that right) and my cousins Kathy & Dan :) :)

I had to pick up a couple things at Meijer - including an infant gum/teeth cleaning set...so you KNOW I got caught up looking at more clothes there!! I did find another footed sleeper on clearance (great time to shop for these, by the way!) - but I ALSO found a "My first St. Patrick's Day" sleeper & bib...and I HAD to grab those! Picked up a 9 month size though - so he may be swimming in it come March 17th ((note how smoothly I slipped in the date of the holiday for my friends here in West MI...a place where almost NO ONE knows the holiday exists let alone on what day or in what month it falls!)) :)

So - all this is leading in to what is heavy on my heart and mind.

Even now - I can't help but fear (and yes, I know it is wrong for me to be fearful...that I need to take this to the Lord in prayer {which I would really appreciate your prayers on this issue too}) But - I still have this sinking feeling - this fear that one day - some one is going to come and take Elijah away from us! My eyes burn with tears even typing it out here.

I don't know if it's having so many other potential adoptions fall through over the years...and if this feeling will even go away after the adoption is finalized, Lord willing, soon. But I'm typing this to say - it's why I wrote in the beginning that I hope I truly believe in my heart that Elijah belongs to the Lord.

We've said so many times leading up to his birth and then between his birth and the court battle with the putative father - that we are trusting in the Lord - and we desire His will for this baby boy - and for us. That is still my heart's cry - and my prayer...the Lord's will for all of our lives...but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be devastated if Elijah was taken away from us...and then I am reminded that none of us are guaranteed how long we have with anyone we love in our lives.

My heart still aches at the memory of my father - and his passing (it is coming up on 5 years now this February) - but yet is still feels so raw - so fresh on my mind and in my heart...and I was blessed with 31 years with him!! Tears still come when I see his picture - or my Aunt Shirley's - that I will never get to hold them - hug them - talk to them again - on this side of life. And I had decades of life, love & laughter with them!

But, when I get really caught up in worry and fear of losing Elijah - I can't help but remember the pain my sweet friend Wendy has gone through - and continues to feel - at the loss of her son - only an hour after his birth. How can I complain about the 5 amazing months I've been blessed to have with my son when my dearest friend had only an hour with hers?

I didn't intend for this to be such a heavy-hearted post. It's just something that has been so thick in my thoughts - and then, tonight - I read the e-mail from Revive Our Hearts...the last part of the study of the life of Hannah. It was beyond fitting...the entire study, really. Because here was a woman - barren for YEARS of her marriage...and when the Lord finally answers the cry of her heart & gives her the child she so desperately desires - she willingly - and with a heart full of praise and devotion - gives her child back to the Lord - for His glory and His purpose.

I want a heart like Hannah's. I want to be a woman of the Lord who will cling to Him above all else...including my precious baby boy - this tremendous blessing and joy He has brought into our lives. Believe me, I want us to be the best parents possible for this little treasure...I want us to lead him in lives that worship the Lord fully - and give ourselves completely over to the Lord for His use and His glory.

Elijah is a blessing - without question - but there is no greater blessing than the Lord Himself.

I guess I just wanted to put that out there to hopefully help me keep things in perspective.